Heather’s journey to motherhood

Heather shares her difficult journey to motherhood and the lessons she learned along the way. 

The Weekly Unravel is a podcast about motherhood, midlife, perimenopause, and everything in between. Join friends Heather and Sarah as they navigate life’s twists and turns with tea, humor, honesty, and absolutely no expertise.

Follow the show so you never miss an episode, and connect with us on Instagram @theweeklyunravelpodcast.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:13

Okay. Hello. This is a big day today. This is a big day. So we decided that since you are getting to know us, you should really get to know us and our journey towards how we got here, how we got to motherhood and our friendship. And that involves a lot of trauma to get to motherhood, basically. So we have some trigger warnings here. First of all, content warning, trigger warning. We're talking about for the next two episodes. We're talking about fertility struggles. We're talking about pregnancy, loss, and termination, and child's loss. So just putting that out there for I'm going to be going first. This is Heather. I'm going to talk about my journey first, and the next episode will be Sarah's. So we just want to put that out there first. Take a moment to decide if you want to listen right now, because not everyone is, you know, in a place where they can hear some of these topics.

SPEAKER_01 1:13

Right. They're they're heavy topics, and we're going to be very open and very honest with you about our experience and our journeys. Um so just, you know, make sure that's something you're prepared or you know, ready for right now.

SPEAKER_00 1:28

Yeah. We have chocolate and tissues with us. We have stuffed animals. And stuffed animals. I'm hugging a stuffed animal. And each other. Yeah. So okay, so I'm going to tell you um my story. So my story um starts with the fact that I have always wanted to be a mother. But it's not just that I wanted to. I needed to be a mother. So it was kind of like if I get married one day, awesome, but I'm going to be a mother. That's just how I always thought of it. Even before I met my husband, it was like, I'm going to be a mother. I would much prefer to have this in a loving partnership, but I was going to be a mother. That's how much I wanted it. Um, so we got married. I got married kind of later in life. So I was, I guess 35 when I got married. So we were ready to just start trying to get pregnant right away. Um so we had our, well, I was technically 36 when we had our wedding. We had we had a little private sort of secret wedding, and then we had our wedding wedding. So let's say 36, I had our wedding. Do you know that?

SPEAKER_01 2:34

I did not know that we didn't.

SPEAKER_00 2:37

Okay, great. I'll tell that story another time. It was at my mom's house, which is like a couple of people. Um, so we started trying right away, like literally day of the wedding. Great, I'm ovulating, you know, like that kind of right away. Sure. Uh so you know, I'm at this point, I'm already like geriatric age. We're trying to get pregnant, which is such a lovely term. So kind of so happy to just I was happy to have that label right away. So we started trying for you know a couple of months, and you know, I it's kind of funny when I look back on it now. Funny, I can laugh at it now, that the first few months when I wasn't pregnant, I was devastated. Devastated. And it was funny to look back on years later when like three years later when I'm still not having a baby. Like, wow, I was really devastated after month two. Oh, how little, little did I know. Naive, sweet young child. Um, but I was. It was, you know, really hard to start trying and failing. Um and then about six months in, um, I this part of the theme of this will be that I'm very proactive about things in my life. And I'm um I've learned at this I had learned at this point to advocate for myself. So I those are qualities that did help me in this journey. So six months in, I have had a great gynecologist that was very proactive as well. So with her, I we chatted a little bit six months in. Now I'm 37, I think. Um, and she said, let's just do all the tests, let's just do all the things and just see what's going on since you're older. Um so at that point, I had also made some appointments with some um reproductive endocrinologists. Again, like super proactive. Let's just get on top of this, see what they have to say. So I had all the blood work with my gynecologist, and then a few appointments. I made three appointments with three different REs because that's who I am. Um so I'm gonna do a flashback for a second because this is relevant for the story. So when I was 19, I was having some health things going on, and a doctor did a bunch of blood work, and they found that I had a high ANA, which is in high anti-nuclear nuclear antibody count. This is something that indicates you may have an immunology issue. You may have an autoimmune issue. So I went to doctors, I didn't have any autoimmune disease, but this high number was concerning. So after freaking out when I was 19, 20 years old, it was just determined like some people just have a really high ANA. You're fine, you're healthy, just try to live a healthy life and honestly just forget about it. So I was like, okay, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna forget about it after a year or two of freaking out about it because I already had anxiety, so then it became like a health anxiety thing. But then I forgot about it. So now I'm 37. My gynecologist is doing all this blood work, and the one thing that comes back that is abnormal is the high ANA count. And when I saw it, I had all these alarm bells going off because I was like, oh my God, maybe this is where it's showing up. Like maybe, you know, every I I had been to maybe one of the reproductive endocrinologists at the time and they looked at everything or what they thought was everything, and they saw that everything was fine, blood work was fine, I have unexplained infertility. And I was like, I know that's not true. Something's going on. So when my gynecologist found, oh, here's a high ANA count, I immediately went into, okay, this is a sign, this is something. It's telling me something, it's telling me the direction of what's going on. I just felt it in my gut because this number is coming back after, you know, 20 years or something. Um so I did some Googling and I learned that reproductive immunology is a thing. So I found a reproductive immunologist in New York and I said, Oh, I need to go and see that guy. So I still had my appointments with the REs. I decided to still keep them. I went to the REs before the reproductive immunologist, just because I couldn't get an appointment yet. And all the REs said, Well, you're older, you're fine, it looks like unexplained infertility, which only means that they have no idea why you can't get pregnant. There's not unexplained, there's a reason they just don't know what it is. So they said, I would go right to IVF. I would do that, all these things. And they were all so depressing. The appointments were just depressing. Um, so I went to um the reproductive immunologist, Dr. Jeffrey Braverman, who is like my saint and hero in life in so many ways. Unfortunately, he has passed on, which is one of the saddest things for the fertility world. Um, but I went to him and he ordered a gazillion blood tests, like 20 tubes of blood, checking all the things, and he found that, yeah, it looks like there's some immunology stuff going on. So basically, in like layman's terms, he found that my reproductive system was fighting off embryos. Like if an embryo was trying to implant, my body was fighting them off. So um, I was excited to have some information. He also felt like I had silent endometriosis. And I was shocked. So I was like, I don't have endo. I know people that have endo. It's so painful, like their periods are so incredibly painful. Mine are like they hurt, but whatever. Um, but he recommended that I get endometriosis surgery because it's the only way to find out if you really have it. So I had that booked. So now we are a year, now we're a little over a year into trying to get pregnant. So I had found him. Um as a little side note, I had also sitting another reproductive endocrinologist, just a regular RE, after I saw the immunologist. And I told them, I said, you know, I've I've gotten some immunology blood work. I'm thinking I'm gonna pursue this. And they all thought it was just this guy said quackery. That's just quackery. Because it was so new, the immunology stuff, and kind of on the fringes, and they're just getting the data for it, you know. Um, and so that guy telling me, you know, this is quackery, I was like, ah, you're the problem, and I'm going to the guy that knows what he's talking about. It was, you know, there were some things in this process that were very validating.

SPEAKER_01 8:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:58

Um so anyway, so I had the endometriosis surgery. It turns out I had a lot of endometriosis on my right ovary. So they took it out. They, you know, cut it out and do what they do. Um, so I had a little bit of healing time. And um, so Dr. Braverman put me on a few different medications to suppress my immune system to basically calm it down and stop it fighting off embryos. Um, and I actually got pregnant the first month that he put me on these medications. It was amazing. I wish this was the end of the story. That would have been wouldn't that be great? It was incredible. It was so exciting. Um, I had a very early loss, like a technically a chemical pregnancy. So like I saw positives, and then the beta didn't keep going up, it went down, so that was devastating. But I had some hope. Like I actually got pregnant from his protocol. Like, this is unbelievable. Um, so we did it all again. Um, and I don't know how many months later it was, but I did get pregnant again. Um, maybe it was two or three months later. Um, and that pregnancy kept going and looked pretty great and really healthy. And from all we could see, it was all going well. And then I got to 12 weeks where you do the nuclear scan to, well, you don't not everybody does this when you're when you're older, when you're, you know, you're worried about issues. Anyway, so we did the scan, and without getting to all the details, it was very evident right away that there was something wrong with the fetus. So I have a few worst days of my life. This was definitely one of the worst days of my life. It's not the worst day, actually. Um, okay, because sorry, we'll we'll getting the information that there was something wrong with the fetus um was just it just it killed, it killed us. Me and my husband, it was just absolutely devastating. Um, I just fell apart in that office. Um and they did some, so then we had another test. I forgot what that was called, the CBC maybe. That one. Okay, so then they did that test because at that time they could do that test. Um, so they wanted to do that test that day, and then they sent us home. I was like a zombie, half hysterical and half like totally numb. Um, they, you know, to just check out what's really going on. Maybe we got the results two days later, and it was confirmed that the child, the fetus, had chromosomal abnormalities as well as some other physical issues. Again, I don't need to get into details, but we basically had to make a choice. Do we continue this pregnancy? This um will most likely not be a a baby that can even get to term. There were issues that could come up with me in the pregnancy because of things that were going on with the M with the fetus. Um, this wasn't going to be like a baby that was going to be alive for very long, if alive at all, um, and not one that would have any kind of a a life, even for how long the baby was alive. So, or maybe that was the worst day of my life. I don't know, hard to pick. The first day, that day, one of those days, that whole blur of days, worst, you know, one of the worst times of my whole entire life. Um so we had to make a choice. And we made the choice to terminate the pregnancy, and making the choice to terminate a pregnancy that was so wanted after working so hard. Now we're, I don't know, a year and a half into this, you know, to have this baby growing inside of me and making the choice to end that pregnancy was just there are no words. I can say devastating, heartbreaking. It doesn't, it doesn't, there aren't the words. So there are no words. So we had that done. Um and then, you know, I had to heal and just be sad and devastated for a couple of months before we can even think about trying anything again. So we took a few months to um just let my body heal, try to just breathe a little bit, um, until we could go into what came next. So we decided that the thing that makes the most sense was to do IVF. Because with IVF, you can guarantee that you have a healthy embryo. And I thought, well, I know I can get pregnant, so let's skip the part where this could ever happen to me again. And let's do IVF and get some healthy embryos and just put in the healthy embryos, and then I'll get pregnant again. Um, and I was just kind of in in in that time, even though I was grieving and it was so heartbreaking, I was there was part of me that was like, let's just get on to the next thing. I need to get on to the next thing. What's the protocol? I need to keep going because I need to just get pregnant again. Um so we did IBF and you know, it's a shitty experience, giving yourself shots, lots of hormones, all the things all over the place. Um and we ended up at the end of it, we ended up getting two healthy embryos. But the whole, that whole period is just hellish. People call it the hunger games, waiting for the embryos to see which ones develop and how many you get and the whole thing, worst week of your life in the um fertility world. Um so we ended up with two healthy embryos, which was great. It's like we just need two, sounds great. So um we maybe this is like four months later, three months later. Um, so we did the um where they put the embryo inside of you. So they put the first embryo in, and I'm like, you know, we're super excited about it. Like, this is gonna work. Um and then I said before, you know, this is is this the most devastating day, or is this one the most devastating maybe was when we found out we did not get pregnant from IBF. Um, and I just crashed and burned completely. Because I'm gonna take a deep breath. Because as I said, I was just as much as we were grieving before, I was also just in, I have to get pregnant again, I have to get pregnant again, I have to get pregnant again. That's what's gonna save me, that's what's gonna get me there because I know I can get pregnant and I just need to get there again. And so because we didn't get there again and it failed, and what I thought was not a sure thing, but as close as of a sure thing as I could get, totally failed. I felt all the grief of the previous loss, like so much bigger, so much harder. Like there was nothing to protect me from that pain because what was protecting me from that pain before was I'm just gonna get pregnant again right now. And so I didn't, and I thought maybe I'm never gonna get pregnant. Um, and that possibility was there, and I just had to face the reality that we had this loss, and I'm just so devastated and angry, so angry and sad and hopeless and um just deeply depressed. I was totally isolating myself at this time. Um, I only was speaking to friends that not that could necessarily understand what I'm going through because nobody could, but but that were just very empathetic, compassionate people. You know, I just I couldn't engage with anyone about any lighthearted anything. Like I was not living in that world at all. Um, so we put the second embryo in, and that one failed, which I was half expecting at the time, but you know, so this was the darkest period of this whole thing, even darker than just the loss before, because at least after that loss, I was still had was holding on to I'm just gonna get pregnant again. And now it's like, I don't know. We just we we're done with the IBF. I can't do it again. I just can't do it. Um so it was it was really rough. It was a really lonely, isolating, horrible. There are not enough words for this time. Um and the the doctor and and all of us decided I I need a I need a month off. Like I need to just take a month off. Um now we're almost we're getting to two-ish years, around two years of this whole process. Um so I took a month off, and I remember during that month just like trying to focus on other things, and you know, it's like you can't really Yeah, it's like the elephant in the world. Yeah, it's like, oh, I'm just gonna do other things. Like you you can't not know what's going on. I know exactly what day I'm on in my cycle. Like, those are things you just know when you're in this world. It's not like I'm gonna forget when I got my period last, or maybe I won't know if I'm ovulating. It's like, you know, it's everything, yeah. You it's it's my whole world. But it was good to take a break off of like the medication and stuff, you know, that because that takes it whole. Um so we took a month off, and then um the doctor decided he looked at my labs again, he's like, let's just try one other medication. So we added in one other medicine medication, and we decided I didn't mention this earlier, but when I had gotten pregnant the first two times, I had done IUIs, which is where they like just shoved the sperm up closer to your cervix, you know, like the turkey baser. Exactly. Basically, the medical turkey baser. So we decided I can go back to IUIs. I can't do IVF again after that devastation. Like clearly, that's it didn't work. So we did um we added a new new medication, we did another IUI. I normally would test myself before getting the blood test because I wanted to know if I was pregnant before a doctor told me, like I needed to know. But at this point, I was like, whatever, I know I'm not pregnant, like I just I can't do it at home. I was so terrified to do it at home and feel the feelings. Um, but this time I did my blood work, I didn't check anything, and I got an email of all things. I get an email from the nurse saying, Congrats, your beta is, I think it was 35, I even remember. And I was like, wait, what? I I've looked at this email before. It's so funny. I'm like, wait, are you telling me that I'm pregnant? She was like, Yes, you're pregnant. Congrats, let's do the blood work again in two days. They're very matter-of-fact. And I was like, wait, what? I actually called my husband. So he's at work, and I said, I didn't even say I'm pregnant because I didn't believe that and I couldn't say that. I said, I got an email that says I'm pregnant. He's like, You got you got an email, so you're pregnant. I'm like, I got an email that says I'm pregnant. I couldn't even say I'm pregnant.

SPEAKER_01 19:42

Right, right.

SPEAKER_00 19:42

I told my mom every other time. I did not tell my mom. I didn't want to put her through the devastation of like, I don't know how this beta is gonna look. The blood work is gonna look in two days. Um, and the blood work kept going up. And that is my son, which is I still think about getting that email, and I can't believe that that little embryo actually turned into my almost 10-year-old. Like it just seems crazy that it worked. It still seems crazy that it worked because nothing was working. Um, so it still blows my mind when I think about it. Like I still feel those feelings a little bit. Like, is this real? Is he here? And then I'm like, right, he's my almost 10-year-old, he's running around. That's him, he's here. Um, so that was all really traumatic.

SPEAKER_01 20:27

Insanely traumatic.

SPEAKER_00 20:28

Um, and we're not we're gonna get into this more in further episodes, but I have two kids and I decided I am not putting my body through that again. I cannot even fathom trying to get pregnant again, doing any of that in my own body with that. I could not put myself through the the trauma again. So my second child, my daughter, is adopted. Um, and that is one of the ways that Sarah and I connected because we both have one biological child and one adopted child, which is a rare thing in this world. And it's kind of amazing and all the things. So we will talk about adoption more in another episode. Yeah. Um, but this was just to share my journey to get to motherhood. Um, and I mean, I feel like I'm very open about this now. I'm very open on social media. I post during infertility week, I post during loss week. I want people to be able to talk about it more. I was so isolated and alone when this was going on. Um, I did not know anyone else that was going through it. I I reached out to one person who I thought might have, and she confirmed that she was going through some stuff. And actually, my best friend went through secondary infertility, which is for her second child she had to do IBF, so I was able to speak to her all about it. Um, so I did have her as like a rock through that. But I didn't know anyone that was going through losses and go, you know, I didn't know anyone. So I'm really open about it now because I don't want other people to feel that. Um, and I also really talk a lot about the um advocating for yourself because if I did not push for those tests early on, it could have been a lot longer before someone decided, hey, let's do some of these other tests. Um, if I didn't pursue the reproductive immunologist, I never would have gotten anywhere. I I fully believe because I needed those immune-suppressing meds to even get pregnant. So when I share this, I also like to share the lessons that I learned, which is like you always have to advocate for yourself. You have to in the medical world because the doctors are really not gonna do that for you. And you are the best judge and sense of who what's going on with you. If you have a gut feeling about something, follow your gut until you find the person that can help you. Um, and we just all need to talk about this more. Like so many people have experienced horrible losses, and it's the most isolating feeling, and we just, you know, we can all be there for each other more if we're talking about it and sharing it. Um, and it also affected my early parenting years. Like I had a lot of postpartum anxiety. I had so much anxiety because being in all the infertility groups and subreddits and all the things, I learned all about all kinds of losses I didn't know about before. So now I was full of anxiety for my whole pregnancy. My husband and I never said, We're having a baby. And we made it a it was sort of a joke, but it was true. We would say, Oh my god, we might be having a baby. We said might until nine months in. And then we said, We're probably having a baby.

SPEAKER_01 23:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:21

And then it wasn't we're actually having a baby until he's crying in my arms and breastfeeding. And I'm like, oh my God. I didn't believe it until he was out of my body and there and healthy. But I had so much anxiety for the first year. I mean, we were constantly like, is he okay? Is he breathing? Is he, you know? And I think that the process of infertility made me terrified that something was gonna happen. And it took like a full year before I was like, okay, I have a healthy child, I can buy clothes that are for year two and year three, where I couldn't do that in the first few months because like is he gonna be here in six months?

SPEAKER_01 23:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:53

Really, the whole thing really fucked me up.

SPEAKER_01 23:58

Relatable. Yeah. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

SPEAKER_00 24:02

I got through it. I didn't even I didn't even cry. I just ate chocolate and I'm hugging a stuffed animal and I took some deep breaths.

SPEAKER_01 24:09

And you did it.

SPEAKER_00 24:10

But that is my story. So, um So we'll leave it there. We'll leave it there. Let's just yeah, we'll leave it there and um we uh we'll be joined by Sarah's story next time. All right, thank you all for listening. Thank you. Bye bye.